foggy words

I don’t know how to blog. This set up seems more to me like I am about to write a term paper instead what I want it to be—an unraveling of my soul. Or something.

I always mean to unravel myself in front of people but when the opportunity arises I back off, share just enough and then become angry when I feel like people don’t know the real me. Not my strongest character trait. See, I’m learning about myself already.

I’ve been having a lot of job interviews lately and I am noticing that I often look away when I am trying to gather my thoughts. I wonder if I have always done this or if it is the shyness of being a stranger in a new city. New York certainly is a magic place that does take the words right out of my mouth. Ask my room-mates. I seem to be spending more time hemming and hawing as I try to find a word in my vocabulary that is just beyond reach. Much like the one sea-shell you try and grab at low-tide but it gets taken out to sea and you have thirty painful seconds where you watch it roll about in the waves; knowing you can’t reach it but still watching it wink it’s pink-white color amongst the blue-green open ocean. That’s how I feel lately when I try to speak. The words stare back at me in my brain but when I go to grab them they turn to mist. It’s confusing.

I’ve always found writing to be a clearer way to communicate myself. So maybe this will help.

Here are some things that have happened so far that I don’t want to forget:

• The man walking a small dog in the village that from far away I thought was a baby goat.
• The lady on the Upper West Side wearing a royal blue mid-length skirt riding a scooter
• Two days ago when I first noticed the bodega’s were selling Lilac bunches.
• The very handsome young man who offered his seat on the subway to a little old lady.
• The young lady l I met in Starbucks last week who told me she didn’t want to grow up.
• Swimming with the whales—virtually.
• How the tree outside went from buds to leaves in what seems like the blink of an eye.
• My first vegan ice cream on Friday.