Vespers in gloaming light

A service announcement for Online dating

Dear Men on dating apps-

1) I get it, you have a dog. Or it’s your sister’s dog. Or you rented that dog as click-bate to get me to like you. Ok, so it’s working. But not everyone on this planet has a cute puppy so where are all the puppies coming from? Is there a rent-a-puppy that I need to know about.

2) Selfies should be take from above you, not below your chin. Trust me on this one.

3) Photos of you looking miserable are not going to make a girl want to meet you. Neither is the “sad smile”. We get it you don’t want to be here. I don’t either.

4) Snarky profiles are lacking charm and wit. Can’t you think of anything else to be other than snippy? Like maybe just say something nice about yourself, and if you don’t have anything nice to say about yourself then maybe get off the dating app till you do.

5) Photos of you 10 years ago (and 10 pounds ago) are not helpful, my photos are up to date why aren’t yours?

6) Photos of you with your friends are fine. Photos of you with a dead deer are not.

7) More than one picture of you holding a fish is overzealous. The same with birds. Please don’t ever be holding a snake.

8) Make a bio. If you don’t have one, I am going to assume it is because you just want to sleep with me and then never call again. Or you are a murderer.

9) In that vein, Emojis are not a bio.

10) Not every man on the planet “likes the outdoors, especially hiking”. Be real. Admit you lazy and hike only once a year, like me.

11) Everyone looks sexy with their sunglasses on, please take them off, it is false advertising.

12) AND Take your hat off. You want to see my body, and I want to see your hairline. Sorry, these the rules.

13) 1 out of every 10 men are pulling of the intense lumberjack beard. 7 out of 10 men are wearing it. Just, think about that a minute.

14) I get it, you want to go on “adventures”. I was thinking more along the lines of doing something boring, you don’t want to do that? Weird.

15) There should be a sub-division for all the men wearing suspenders on these apps.

16) Don’t tell me how to connect with you in the first message. Writing “Ask me my favorite song!” in your bio feels pushy. Let me make a fool of myself on my own thank you very much.

17) Writing “It’s my nephew in the photo, not my son! Chill!” is not going to score you any points either. Don’t tell me to chill, please. Never in the history of humans has telling someone to “chill” ever worked.

18) A selfie, then a cropped closer shot of said selfie is confusing and…why not just take another photo…?

19) If you are 30 but you say you are 28, we might not catch it. But if you are 43 but you are saying you are 29, we will see through that. Just trust me, we know the difference.

20) If I seem to have no interest in seeing you naked it is probably because… I have no interest in seeing you naked. A photo sent to me with nakedness that I didn’t ask for is uncalled for. Literally, I didn’t call for it.

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