Vespers in gloaming light

Bella’s new thing

Bella’s new thing is to wake me up before 6:30 in the morning to go outside. She does this by scratching her little claws on the floor while she stretches. She does this by yawning louder than the air conditioner. She does this by kicking her feet against the mesh of her bed. Basically-she wants me up and will do it anyway she can.

I say ‘me up’ because there is no way in hell it will be John. John use to be up at 4:30am. This thought alone makes me nauseous. But for John it was normal. He is (was…is?) a strictly regimented guy, there was a method to the madness. Up, shower, coffee, breakfast, clean up his room, make his bed, pack lunch and leave all within the amount of time to make him early for work. Now, he is catatonic in our bed until sometimes 8:00am. Bella could scratch the paint off the walls but the combination of the ice cold air conditioner and the sound it makes plus all the blankets on this bed mean he isn’t waking up; no way-no how.

So that leaves me. And now I sense a very small part of motherhood. The one where every day feels the same. Where you put on clothes based on what is easiest to slip on and off. The one where you come second, and maybe even third or fourth.

So to all the Mom’s out there-I say Thank you. We are unworthy of your care and consistency. Because really what every good kid (puppy) needs is a lot of consistency. A favorite professor of mine in Grad School always use to say “Repetition is the growing power.” Well, look what I’m growing! A little fluffy dog who wants to go outside the moment the sun reaches the damn horizon. Aren’t dogs suppose to be lazy? I got the rooster of the dog world?

Whatever I get it, I need to pee in the morning too.

But the secret blessing of this little habit she is forming is that I am getting to see the morning when hardly anyone around me is awake. This morning the Sunday Hush was laying over everything. I saw 2 cars total and not a single neighbor moved about the street. The sun was filtering through the trees and although it will be hot, it was just balmy to stand out there in a t-shirt (with my eyes not even half open).

I am trying to count my blessings, I have many. But the one I am present to the most as of late is the one that costs no money and is right there for me when I open my eyes. A new day. What a gift.

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