Let me tell you:
I read a whole book today.
I took a bath, I refilled the water when it got cold. I did a face mask at the same time.
I reached out to my friends and did my work out.
I got at least 50 ounces of water in my body.
And 10,000 steps.
I went to work, I was not late. I was pleasant and helpful and kind.
I checked my work emails multiple times and did some updating.
I even made copies of things I needed to make copies for.
I loaded up my laundry and put away my traveling things.
I wrote in my planner.
I lit a candle. I let it burn.
I did not put on socks but instead got under the covers.
I tried to think happy things about my body (which is strong and the only one I have).
I took my medicine this morning, supplements and all.
I got up to pee every time I felt like I had too.
I helped put away groceries. I did not look in the mirror and hate myself.
There is no man here to hold me close, no house to call my own. No dog I have named-no pink leash to match her imaginary collar.
There is no book shelf with my books, and no walls holding my pictures, my art. Your art.
I don’t have a kitchen, my mugs are not visable. My vases do not sparkle on the window ledge.
My couch is on it’ side in storage- the bottoms of it are torn off waiting to be put back together for a fourth time. My TV-unused now for so many years. Things, things-just things.
And there will be a time to use them again. Just not right now. Right now we get our equilibrium back. Right now, we schedule and figure things out. Right now-we replenish the empty well. We realize how great we are. We go to therapy. We let the sadness settle and then wash away. We let the anger manifest and then put it to bed.
There is no room in my new house for these things.
My heart will be wiser. I cannot go back. But it will be clean, because I will make it so. It will be a choice.
It will be a place for me. A cottage, I told someone once; a cottage by the sea. And a dog. A bookcase. A fantastic big reading chair. Clean soft sheets, a flower garden, twinkle lights, my own magic and me.