On loving you, I know no other way
This is boring, I think, loving a person who isn’t here.
It would be more fun to be together, to be planning.
Instead it is just me.
So I love me instead of loving you.
To give myself something to do
in the meantime.
Loving me doesn’t look so good at first.
I am lazy and resentful of the thingsI want to give myself.
If it were you, I would give you the world.
But me? Hah! I will just have to wait to be treated right.
I feel confused by this. This isn’t how it is suppose to go, I think.
Willing to give you my all but not able to give myself a single thing?
Wrong. Very, very wrong.
So I try again.
I give myself a nice cool drink of water, and I like that and so I keep going.
I give myself a bubble bath any time I see fit.
I know that I like to make my bed, so I make my bed for myself in order to make me happy.
Well that is nice, it sure is nice, to treat myself right.
I give myself as many chocolate chips as I want.
And yes, that is the ticket, every rainbow sprinkled ice cream cone too.
I give myself early evenings in bed, curled up with my favorite pillow and a good book.
I learn I love to read more than I even thought and I give myself many things to read because of it.
I see that I am grateful and so I give more.
I give myself avocados and funny movies. My softest t-shirt and a new coat of paint on my toe nails.
Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t. I don’t seem to mind when I forget.
I am soft with my learning. I know it takes time and I try not to be impatient when I don’t get it all done by the end of the day.
When I am sad, which is often these days, I just let myself be quiet and hold myself close. I do that by focusing on the amazing lungs and heart I am being loaned and say thank you.
I pray, and don’t shame myself to talking aloud. I just stand witness to me doing it, and love myself through it. I try to give myself grace when I get angry or frustrated.
I open my eyes every day and think, how can I love me right today! What do I want! How can I give it! And I find a way, no matter how small to do just that.
What a novel idea!
Boy oh boy, has anyone every treated me so right? Certainly not! There is no hidden desire here for something else, no hidden agenda, just love in any way I can give it. Any way I can get it.
I ask for what I need and I give it to myself.
I say, I don’t think I like that, so I don’t do it again.
I don’t want to hurt or fight.
So I take time to figure out what I mean before I tell myself something cruel.
I learn I am often sad and lonely. Not angry or vicious, which is what I thought to begin with.
That was interesting to learn.
I start to day dream about giving myself a life worth living.
One that has a little pink cottage with a fence and wild, messy garden.
Rooms aglow with twinkle lights and a fluffy dog greeting me at the door.
A big bed and a bigger chair and more bookshelves than I know what to do with.
A yard with a view of the stars
and a hope that one day it can be shared.
But if not, that’s ok. Because I am pretty darn good on my own.
I like giving myself all that I have. I learn the more I give the more I have to give.
The more I give, the more I get.
And my heart grows in size every day, just by treating myself so well.
Would you like another piece of cinnamon bread? How about a nice sit on the swing on the porch? Shall we walk to see the turtles? Yes! And after, perhaps you will take a picture of how good my hair looks today! I sure will. Anything I want, I will give it to myself, no hesitation.
It would take someone pretty special to take the place of me for me.
I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize it.
Good luck, boys.