Vespers in gloaming light

A thought on anger

My anger feels like lava constantly churning in my stomach. At any moment the volcano erupts and spews the contents of frustration and rage everywhere. It covers every surface from person to furniture.bThe situation is hardly ever worth the amount of damage.
My anger feels like a big oven being fed coal by a constant team of strong engineers, warming the train with it’s fumes.
My anger feels like smoke choking me from the bottom of my lungs up. The worst type of cigarette smoke, suffocating on my own frustration. I swear I can feel the black smoke exit my nose and mouth the more I fume.
My anger feels like a cape of fog, it trails behind me and covers everything I touch with it’s creepy, icky fingers. Sunlight cannot penetrate the thick soup.
My anger feels like a wolf living in my chest, it’s tail wrapped around my heart; it’s teeth bared and hackles raised growling low and deep and constantly. One wrong move and the wolf is on all fours ready to rip the throat of anyone out.
My anger feels like poison. Like drowning. Like running away from a lion but not being fast enough to escape. It’s frustration and loneliness and rage and fear and something even darker than all of that, something that I have no word to name because it is so foreign feeling.
I am not an unhappy person. I am not, by nature, negative. But apparently as I’ve gotten older, I am angry. And trigger-able. And in those moments: ridiculous, helpless and slave to my feelings. Like a shadow so much larger on the wall than the object projecting it. It’s a weird and uncomfortable thing.
I read somewhere that a direct person is easy to deal with because you always know where you stand with them, but someone indirect is scary. You never know what they are thinking or how they will react to something. I try to be a direct person, and most of the time I am-of course there is the one caveat of being an emotional person and trying to decide if what I am feeling is worth sharing. Mostly I skip this part and that is where my problems start.
Instead of figuring out how to say something that is bothering me, I will swallow my feelings until it until it explodes with about 100 other things that are bothering me in that moment. Some of them so irrelevant it would be laughable if I wasn’t so upset.
Is there anyway to make this go away, the constant distant rumble of thunder? I am a self aware person, why am I also so very, very angry?

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