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belonging

Here me out:
What if before I belong to anyone else I belong to me first? Me first and me always no matter who comes and goes.
I find myself searching for strange sorts of validation from people other than myself and my instincts. 
Why, still, am I looking for someone to tell me I’m doing a good job? 
So tired of constantly checking over my shoulder to say; “Am I good enough now? Look at this hard work! This self sacrifice! This amazing control! This fearlessness, this consistency! This pleasing countenance. Watch me! Look at me! See me!”
I’m trying not to judge the desire. But notice and follow the thread to the source.
So far I’ve come up empty handed but it means something, at least, to be at the river, right?
So how, if ever can I belong to me, and not feel the sting of not belonging to you?
What is “me”? What is “belonging”? What does that feel like and have I felt it before? Can I feel it again if I arrange the puzzle pieces right? 
So much of my journey this year and a half has been about just that. I’m just beginning to be able to step back and look at it all.
And what I see is a big jumble mess. But a thread of gratitude weaves it all together. Perhaps the river is leading me somewhere after all. 
Anyway. Just here to say: you aren’t alone. I see you. I’m talking to you, and I’m talking to me too.

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