Today John and I went shopping and had lunch together and to say we have different shopping styles is putting it mildly. Where I like to wander and compare articles of clothing, John is task oriented and no nonsense. He is a lot of no nonsense and I am a lot of nonsense and yet that also is vice versa. Finding how to balance one another is a constant process, one I sometimes feel to tired to take on. However, one look at his face and I start smiling and that is enough. Enough to sigh and try and figure out anything at all.
Later, we got in a little tiff that we fed with silence and misunderstanding and turned it into a tempest. It was both our faults and neither of our faults; more byproduct of boundary negational than real problems. In a moment of surrender, I laid my head on his shoulder and made a sound deep within me that could only be characterized as a whimper except it went on for longer than a moment. A creaking; animal, primal and non-negotiable issued from my throat bringing tears to my eyes. John, because he is a smart man and a kind man did not try and stop it from happening but instead wrapped both arms around me and allowed it. Allowed the cracking in my voice and my exterior with love and placed a hand on the back of my head in comfort.
As so such grace was given to me when I was open and vulnerable. It wasn’t pretty and the moment didn’t last long. But it was long enough to create a bridge for us to walk across and meet in the middle. Love does that. You choose understanding when you can choose so many other things to be: sullen, irritated, impatient, angry. I am all these things too, often, I am afraid to admit. But this time; in this moment-the person I love offered me forgiveness in the shape of his arms and I offered mine in the shape of allowing it.
A good thing to remember.